Wednesday, 18 November 2015

KODAK MOMENTS #31





I'm pretty terrible at owning up to myself about how much I dislike m'self. Now, don't get me wrong, I am a while woman for putting myself down; I'm forever hating on my spotty chin and love handles - hell, if you asked me to make a list of 100 things I hate about myself I would write all physical traits that I find most unpleasant. But when it comes to looking at how I think and act I try to pretend I am stronger than I am.

For the longest time my best friend got the tail end of my shitty approach at mental health. I was rolling with the "fake it 'til you make it" thing (which by the way, isn't how aaanyone should ever deal with their issues). Putting off and hiding away my problems behind a smile wasn't changing anything, and in the end it only pushed me off the edge.
I came to accept that I wasn't in fact a strong person at all. I was pretty weak, and I was running away from everything like the coward I am. I had been to countless therapy sessions, I seen the whole shabang thinking "okay so this is what other people do to deal with their problems, so now that means I know what I am at, and I will always feel like this. I'm sure I can do that because I am strong!"


I am a wee liar. I was ringing my best friend at all hours of the morning when he was away on the other side of the world clearly unable to do much for me. It happened too often, and after each "I am dying what the fuck" session, he would get at me for not taking therapy seriously. This has gone on for well over a year now. How ridiculous is that? Even thinking about it makes me laugh at how much of a joke I am.

But here, last month marked the day I realised I just needed to face up to things and get REAL help. I needed to tell people how I was really feeling, instead of what I thought they wanted to hear. I had to own up to my parents just how bad things were, and it was heartbreaking. I visited a fantastic charity based in Belfast called PIPS who have had a massive effect on my life. I started going to CBT and laying all my shit out on the table, and now I am 100% honest about what is working and what is a waste of time.


It's working.

I believe this huge change for me isn't just down to how I have reached out for help; it's about acceptance. I am being to accept what has happened in the past through a decent and thorough reflection, I am understanding better, and accepting myself and where I am in my life. I am starting to accept positivity into my life instead of always dwelling on the lows and failures. NO PROBLEM WAS EVER RESOLVED WITH NEGATIVITY. 

Change is scaring the fuck out of me. I am really going it alone this time (and yes, I know my chummies are 100% behind me, even as I melt their brains for the next while). I feel like I have said I will change, approximately 84653 times here on Vent, but it can be hard to explain the difficulties of battling with your own mind every day. However, this time I will do it. I'm still a wee root, but I am starting to really deal better with my thoughts, and I'm not as much of a nightmare as I was a few months ago. So I guess everything's coming up Milhouse!

Point of this post? Well, if you are having a rough ol' time and are visiting a counsellor or therapist, don't just go for the sake of it. Don't hide what you're really feeling or thinking, and if it really isn't working, you have got to be honest instead of lying to yourself about being grand if you know you're not. You deserve so much more from life, even if you do have to go through it with a spotty chin like me!

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